#i feel like im forgetting a moment
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#miraculous ladybug#ml spoilers#marinette dupain-cheng#chat noir#marichat#ml revelation#i feel like im forgetting a moment#but we only get 10 options so
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Lovingly gazing into your coworkers eyes while he's talking about the sexual and emotional tension of your characters is crazy 🙃
JA: Yeah, and then also playing that off against that tension and the aftermath of some of those fights. It suddenly rebuilds this sexual and emotional tension. Like you said, you get to explore the breadth of a relationship. But yeah, they’re each other’s endgame, aren’t they? In the books, they always come home to each other. I think it’s telling that that seems to be the denouement or the end of a lot of the novels: Louis and Lestat being petty and in love.
cut via wolfganglestat
transcriptions by greedandenby
Full video (unfortunately i can't find the original source so i am linking 2 videos posted by fans on yt):
youtube
youtube
Interview With The Vampire | Nicole Drum from Comicbook.com talks with Jacob Anderson and Sam Reid
#jam reiderson#jacob anderson#sam reid#interview with the vampire#iwtv#quoting comments from the link#the fact that they just threw them in a hotel room for this#WHY ARE THEY LOOKING AT EACH OTHER LIKE THAT??? 🥵🥵#i feel like im intruding on something intimate here#I'm sorry I couldn't concentrate watching Sam gaze and nodding to Jacob. I'm sure he didn't listen either. look at his face#cant stop heart eyeing each other for even a second#why is sam BATTING HIS EYELASHES at jacob. sickening#there’s really nothing that can come close to the high of experiencing that first press run as it was happening#just a dozen of us pointing at them and going hey aren’t these guys acting a little gay#I was watching those interviews like…. well surely looking at your friends mouth every five seconds isn’t very friendly….#They were behaving in insane ways#i love the early interviews cause they totally forget they're being interviewed and just started talking to each other.#they not even interested in the interview they just wanna stare into each others eyes#the interviewer is third wheeling at this point#i love how sam never breaks eye contact while jacob is looking at him.#it’s only after jacob turns away that he does as well but he continues to look back at him and through the screen.#his continuous nodding and saying “ya” and “mmh” to let jacob know he’s listening is so cute#also jacob just stares at sam when hes yapping into the camera#but the moment sam turns to looks at him he gives a little nod and smile to leet him know he’s listening/agrees.#Youtube
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Something about Tucker being held to a higher standard than all of the other Reds and Blues in the later seasons. Sure he likes sex and makes “that’s what she said” esque sex jokes, but like, especially during Shisno trilogy, the show seems to really like putting him down or treating his love for sex like a comedic punching bag. Oh, Tucker’s a single dad who genuinely loves and cares about his one alien kid despite how that kid was forced upon him? Well actually he had sex with a TON of women on Chorus by using the fuck temple and now has a ton of kids that he’s reluctant to pay child support for. And speaking of the temple, despite it being said to make everyone on the planet super horny and sex obsessed, Tucker says he didn’t feel any different, because making him hypersexual is funny (why is it funny, RT?). And remember how Tucker’s arc during Chorus had him emotionally dealing with Felix’s betrayal? Well now he falls for the most obvious manipulative lies from Temple, I guess he’s just dumber now. And you remember that funny scene in season 5 where Doc is giving Sister a physical exam, and Tucker obviously really wants to see her naked, but because Doc keeps telling him to not come in, and likely out of respect, he doesn’t, while Red Team is secretly perving on her (which they never fucking get called out for), plus all the funny moments of him trying to flirt with her, and her either being receptive or so fucking weird that it takes him aback? Well Tucker still REALLY wants her, but he’s now a childish asshole who can’t stand the idea of her not wanting to sleep with him, and is now super self centered despite the arc he went through showing how he values others, and the series basically keeps fucking with him and making him miserable and barely ever giving him a moment of relief. And you know how he was mercilessly tortured for M O N T H S during Restoration? Well he doesn’t get to process that trauma, and despite all the growth he’s supposedly gone through throughout the series, his last moment is an offscreen sex joke because Tucker’s the perv, get it? We can’t let him have a fucking break despite literally everyone else being treated comparatively nicer or given some kind of levity. Why specifically Tucker, Rooster Teeth? What has he done that’s so bad to you that you continually treat his character this way despite the fact that he’s truly the best (and should have been main) character in this whole series?
#sid rants#sid bitches#red vs blue#rvb#lavernius tucker#tuckerrr#is it because he’s their only black character? maybe but honestly i feel like the show just made him black with that one line#and then never really thought about tucker’s race again#just considering stuff like how other characters with canon ethnicities/places of origin get brought up more than once#(simmons being dutch/irish or grif being hawaiian for example)#but we don’t rlly get any more mentions about tucker being black aside from the one line where it’s canonized#although i could be wrong. and maybe im forgetting a moment or two that’s supposed to reference it#i haven’t rewatched a lot recently#maybe they do consciously take tucker’s race into consideration but if they do then a lot of the shitty stuff they’ve done with him is#really worse? like him being hypersexual and an absent father for example#and the fact that it felt like they were setting him up as the main character only to shove his ass down the stairs#idk this was rlly ranty idk if it’s anything
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Man, I feel like every clip I see from Pints with Aquinas lately Matt Fradd is demeaning women. Really sad to see it, I used to love his interviews :/
#lilac rambles#pints with aquinas#matt fradd#catholic#if anyone knows of anyone who has adressed this (not a paid substack. im very broke rn and only looking for podcast type things)#please let me know about it#honestly it feels like every other day someone i really admired turns to our polarized culture of hate#i was watching his recent interview with jason evert and jason is saying all these beautiful things about how the women he's encountering#who are dressing immodestly or being promiscuous or engaging in the culture are deeply wounded and matt just keeps jumping in with all these#reminders that yeah thats great and all but dont forget women suck too#and like. we know! we know the ways we suck! the entire red pilled manosphere spends a lot of time pointing it out to us!#but if you dont want women constantly pointing out the ways men have failed us then for the love of goodness please stop taking every moment#where someone is talking about female woundedness to talk about Why All Women Except Your Wife And Friends' Wives Suck#im just feeling very let down
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Really sorry guys but I’m all out of forehead kisses today😔
All I’ve got instead is mentally cradling your face and resting our foreheads together and reminding you that you are good, that you deserve love and kindness, that you’re welcome here, that i care about you and i hope you’re doing okay
Yeah sorry idk if that makes up for it….sorry for the inconvenience….
#wlw#wlw mood#sapphic#sapphism#lesbian#i love you i love you i love you I LOVE YOU#i want you to know i care about you#i want you to know that i hope you’re doing okay#i want you to have nice moments that make you smile#i want you to feel safe#i want you to be HAPPY#it’s five in the MORNING#and i havent slept#which means i need to be emotional about all the gay people in my phone#i care so much about you i want you to be happy#everyone line up RN#so i can forehead touch and words of affirmation you#im gay and i like sleeping#haha scheduling this for later and loser ass future me will probably forget about it lmao#she agrres though trust me i know her better than she knows me😤
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my friends have made the mistake of letting me contribute to a playlist for a halloween party theyre bout to get blasted with every mcr song that references vampires in any way
#so far i only got 2 but i feel like there should be more that im forgetting about#the partys in a month idk why we’re doing this already#uni student party moment#my chemical romance#mcr#crabs saying shit
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Jitterbug
#whenever my meds kick in it feels like im gonna piss myself. not literally but its really really feels like it#and now whenever that happens my mind goes back to pancho (grandmas dog) at a xmas party years ago#bc he peed when we arrived bc he was so excited to see ppl and my cousin had to clean it up :o)#well for better or for worse i know that feeling now when im pumped on 20mg of adderall#im still getting used to this whole diagnosis thing cause ive gone untreated and undiagnosed for the longest time. so theres probably a lot#i still dont know and have to learn to get myself to be.. functional on my own? self managing????#i even set up reminders on my phone for work periods meals and stuff. but the problem is actually getting myself to stick to that to a T#because the minute i slack off or something gets in the way it throws it all off until i can be bothered to get back on track. it sucks#at least ive built up other habits like writing notes and setting alarms ahead of time.. but i feel like i could do better#its always hard to change something if youve been doing it wrong for the longest time. especially behaviour and thinking patterns. sigh#in other news my glasses bailed on me so i have to get a new pair sometime. i just realized i never draw my sona with glasses but thats#mostly bc i forget. id love to get some browline glasses like my old pair but im picky and its hard to find one id like for the next 5 year#i also finally managed to collect all the fish in my animal crossing file!!! pulled out a char last week and boom now i have a poster :o)#THAT was a moment where i almost peed myself for real. id love to get all the bugs but i cant stay up late on the switch :o(#yapping#my art#myart#doodles#personal#diary
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mtt playing poker but why would they bet with money thats soooo boring boo boo boo no they bet with increasingly worse and concerning things and its fun for some reason
oh theyd LOVE that shit istg. luck and bluff and tells and lies??? god who knows your own lies and deceit better than another version of yourself??? and yet picking up the other two's tells is oh so very hard because theyre not the same anymore than when they were all sans and sometimes they dont even know themselves so how could they pick up on a mirrored version's? it works out a lot more than they think
killer would have no disregard for what he bets. he plays unpredictably and sneakily. probably faking some emotion here and there to get the hasty (horror) confused and concerned about what he could do and then it turns out killer had a fucking ass hand yet he won??? BULLSHIT horror cries out!!!! but dust just picks up the cards on the ground and deals them again and they play another round. sometimes killer purposely loses. why? he dont know its just to throw a wild card into dust and horror's predictions and mayhaps for the reactions
dust is a dirty player he is a fucking CHEATER‼️‼️‼️ phantom paps are his eyes that he uses to spy on killer and horror's hands. would he need to even try anymore at that point when he could easily win every round? well yes because that wouldn't be a fun game and dust wants to have as much fun as he can in this game of lies. he pretends he doesn't know what horror and killer's hands are. they both know. theyre both more than aware of dust's cheating. and that's why their betting starts going against him specifically and then dust has to figure out how to bet them higher while also trying not to fuck himself over
horror's main thing is just to not get fucked over. goddamnit why did he agree to this he's not as open to getting hurt than dust or killer are!!! (but you still agreed anyways?) so he thinks he's the only one to have a real reason to win (because horror no wanna get hurty hurty owww owww painpainpain ouch!!!) maybe he gets too cocky and ends up betting too high because dust or killer had been losing and he wanted to take a chance. maybe that high bet was actually what got him to win?? it's all a game of chance of course and horror'll only show what he thinks after the round's done. when the cards are dealt and the stakes are up he'll just analyze the hell out of the two (don't YOU hate being analyzed??) and tap his fingers on the table over and over
their way of betting would be like: the winner gets to do whatever the other two said as their bets to the betters. like if dust loses and horror wins and he said he could get sucker punched horror is sucker punching the FUCK out of him. but these three argue they fight and bicker and throw gibes and taunts!!! how would they ever agree on what bets are higher and which are lower ⁉️⁉️⁉️ to horror a bet of saying that he'd have to eat something could be like straight hell to him but killer and dust could just put the argument that it doesn't REALLY mean that much (they know it does to horror) and then force him to bet higher because cmon coward you can do better than that!!! dont you want to get some sort of revenge on us if you lose a previous round and win this one??? and other forms of logic like that 4 dust and killer
killer starts off with an absurdly high bet (because he would) like getting to mess with his soul or something. is he sure that dust and horror have losing hands? he doesn't know. and because killer has no form of limit for himself and that's already a high bar to set for dust and horror to reach (if they don't have good hands i think they'd probably want killer to bet lower. but would they tell him??) so damn it horror has to pull out some bullshit fucking bet like he'll allow himself to get hunted down by the two with every trap he's ever set on a human in horrortale (sooo much more psychological thinking and trickery going on without betting money and instead scenarios its SO FUN). and then could dust fold? does phantom paps say he should? it depends on the cards dust has (and what if he doesn't believe paps based on his own assumptions? (paranoid bitch)) and if he can't fold he has to match the bet or go higher and then he comes up with some bogus situation like ok i'll let you guys dress me up in my human's clothes and throw me in an au and have to do what they did (and OH GOD what about if they make a bet that the other 2 wouldn't actually want to do if they win??? if killer won that round with that as dust's bet would he want someone to reenact something similar to what his own human did and have to watch??????)
oops they just got another new set of scars from last week's poker night and another layer of trauma but why the hell are they sitting down at the table again??? idk man i'm just the dealer here trying not to get killed
#keep in mind i dont know a damn thing about poker ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#they match eachother's freak#guys gambling is bad just know that. the trio gamble with eachother 100% every interaction is a gamble#gambling is so them i will not lie. everything about them is so gambling coded. casino trio#its addicting and also something they hate. something that represents the worst trait of them that the indulge each time they interact#and yet the pull is there and its fun in the moment and there are moments where taking the gamble was worth it and they dont hate eachother#but the losses always overshadow the wins and just staying addicted isnt helping them at all. but addictions are hard#and theres still some more to win so for the time being why not bet all you have and give everything up to the other two?#UGHHH THIS IDEA IS SO FUN AND AMAZING I NEED THEM TO BECOME REAL SO I CAN WITNESS THIS#I DONT KNOW HOW TO DEAL CARDS OR HOW TO BE A DEALER BUT ID LEARN JUST FOR THIS SIGHT I WOULD I WILL IM GONNA no im not BUT STILL#can people actually turn into the mtt and try to reenact this because i actually would kill to see this sight live#worlds best poker game dare i say. the stakes are HIGH dare i say HIGH!!!!!#now dont forget about the other factors like previous rounds or sudden impulses or selfish goals or current moods#GOD EVERY NIGHT WOULD BE SO MUCH FUN. i can understand the appeal of why they would keep playing even after all that#non violent bets. violent bets. bets of revenge bets to make motivations. the world is their oyster#this form of the trio's poker would be just a massive free for all of pushing boundaries and it all depends on luck#kist has russian roulette. horrorkiller has the knife game. mttpoly has trio poker. WHAT DOES HORRORDUST HAVE#you cant come up with terrible for themselves and eachother poker and put anybody but the trio in it#maybe nightmare's the dealer but tell me a single other utmv character that would play this???? NONE I SAY NONE!!!!!!#mtt are great bc their fanon nicer versions are so popular that i dont feel like shit when i either make them nice or evil#and eitherway canon or fanon their interactions are so much more interesting than anyone elses :333#the stars aligned three days ago and created three characters so perfect with eachother yet so terrible for eachother#killer sans#dust sans#horror sans#murder time trio#sans au#utmv#bad sanses#tricule hc
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alright friends i'm not gonna lie i wouldn't mind if the byler kiss had will leaning in first. or like. will kissing mike first on impulse during a heated moment. and then he regrets it immediately after because he thinks mike doesn't reciprocate (even though he obviously does) because mike just stands there for a second like 🧍🏻♂️ before swooping in to kiss will back
#im tired doesthis make sense#anyway. just a concept#i feel like a lot of takes have mike kissing will first but im gonna be honest i think will kissing mike impulsively is more realistic#<- like. at a point where he's 90% sure mike reciprocates but he's had these feelings bottled up for so long that he can't take it anymore#and just. finds himself kissing mike before he even knows what's happening#so he has his “oh fuck” moment when mike is just standing there staring at him. Bug Eyed 🐛#because he's fucked everything up hasn't he??? what the fuck was he thinking???? mike ISN'T like him#only for mike to crush his lips against will's like 10 seconds later and they make out sloppy#(and they're clumsy about it DO NOT FORGET THE CLUMSY OKAY)#(((GIVE ME THEM SMILING AGAINST EACH OTHERS' LIPS. ESP MIKE OKAY))))))#oh my god i thought of smthn even better. will leaning away from kissing mike and being like “i'm sorry i shouldn't hav-”#only for mike to INTERRUPT HIM WITH A KISS oh. giggles and kicks my feet#alr we are starting to tread in fanfic trope territory and these tags are getting long. im done now#stranger things#byler#mike wheeler#will byers#st.txt
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i dont go to twitter, wtf does the swagdoons look like there??
to very roughly sum it up, a similar thing to clownzy except theyre divorced and general knowledge of the ship is overly-reliant on fanfics
edit: wait just to clarify i meant twitter clownzy lol, which basically means that a lot of their traits are not only boiled down and simplified but also altered to serve the ship even when it doesnt make sense
#mine.ask#Anonymous#and i do mean rough; its a bit difficult to summarize the thoughts and feelings of a million ppl on a singular platform#esp when youre as forgetful as i am lol#so im kind of relying on my memory of past emotions here cause i try my best to avoid twitter swagdoons#and lstwt in general honestly im just on twitter to keep in contact with friends and to look at pretty pictures lol#and like. the fanfics theyre referencing Are good dont get me wrong like i understand Why theyre as reverred as they are#but when fanon starts to take over canon?? esp when theyres aus??? not a big fan#like thats how you get characterizations that become so far off base that you start to wonder if you even watched the same ppl#and dont get me wrong tumblr has its Moments#i do too admittedly#and i can generally handle some level of ooc#but it can get ooc to a degree where i genuinely wonder if the user even watches ash or red
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i can’t continue to draw gojo thirst traps like a madman i need to draw gojo cute again it needs to be the cute gojo era again please PLEASE
#grabs him#ITS BABY FACE GOJO OCLOCK#HES MY BABY GIRL AND IM PUTTING THE BABY IN HIS FACE AGAIN#ARGGGHHH#having a moment tonight where im like#GGGGGGGGGGGGGG#ive been feeling the pressure#bc i understand of my gojo eras#the nakey man is what most ppl probably know me for#but lets not forget the baby face era and before that the horror era
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i am writing people from yakuza exchanging stories. i pause for a moment as i realise kiryu has been tortured for three days in a row at least twice. i continue writing
#if anyone has any other 'he was tortured for x amount of time' moments please share#like everyone fuckin knows majima was in the hole but i feel like people forget kiryu was tortured by the snake flower triad#for an unspecified amount of time which i am making three days#[or maybe it IS specified and im dumb]#and then he also gets tortured for three days in gaiden#like. everyone remembers the hole but nobody remembers those. even in like hanakiri fics i see people alluding to The Situation#but never the torture. and like. hanawa was also kind of tortured in that moment but this ain't about him#maybe bc it was for a shorter amnt of time nobody like. cares. but torture is torture my friends#or maybe i'm on the wrong side of the fandom and everyone is talking about it just out of view
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been thinking about sun/dazzle recently (CURSE U DISCORD </3 /aff) and im just. losing my mind
itd just be so sweet and gentle but also so wrong. sun just wants to be a loving father for his daughter. he wants to care for her and nurture her so that maybe she can grow up into something more, even if shes an animatronic. and he loves her, so very much. but the ways he feels his love is wrong and he hates himself for it
hes a sick perverted freak. hes disgusting for loving a child like that! and shes just so innocent and sweet and kind, how could he ever taint her in such a way? and he hates himself for it but he just cant stop. he resists his impulses and urges as much as he can. he tries to not let his touch linger, stare too long, not kiss her despite how absolutely adorable she is. but sometimes he does indulge, just not fully. giving her an excessive amount of hugs and carrying her everywhere (despite her protests :3), happily watching her play with other kids, giving kisses on her cheeks and forehead and saying hes just being affectionate- bc fathers can kiss their kids like that, right?
he does everything he can to at least satisfy some of what he wants, what he feels, just so he doesnt drive himself insane. he does it in hopes that someday he doesnt accidentally explode and do something he regrets. he doesnt want to hurt her. he wants to treat her well. he wants to help raise her and take care of her. he just wants to be a father.
but he just cant help himself. he cant stop himself from loving her in all the wrong ways
#void whispers#celestialcest#celestial proship#sun/dazzle#pedophillia tw#<- just in case#im just. im goinf so fucking insane#i love them so much#theyd be like a weird qpr thing but dazzle just. wouldnt even Know lol#shes just so sweet and innocent its hard to resist#and sun is soooo weird about it#he screams into his pillow every night but the moment he sees dazzle he lights up and suddenly he forgets everything wrong#ur honor i love them#also i feel like his attraction wouldve also still have existed Before dazzle was killed#and realizing who she really was was just one big ''oh Shit'' moment#made things a lot more difficult than they already were#and dont even get me STARTED on her new body
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Currently on Chapter 59 of Heir of Fire & I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been crying since Celaena fell asleep in Rowan’s arms up in that tree😂🤣🥹😭🖤 just tooooooo much to say — Abraxos flying with Manon — Dorian & Sorscha — the kitty-cat friend🤣 — all of Aelin facing the Valg — she has short red hair now (?) & like the least of changes as she said, but also POWER MOVE — & just UGHAJABSNWLWN *keyboard smash head desk* … 9 chapters left, then on to Queen of Shadows😬😆
#Heir of Fire#HoF#reading reacts#TOG#currently reading#Chapter 59#Throne of Glass series#Throne of Glass#first read#Aelin Galathynius#Celaena Sardothien#Aelin Ashryver Galathynius#why do they always forget the Ashryvers#read with me#Rowan Whitethorn#I wish they would just kiss but I know they won’t because this next book has to be about her not a love interest but her and grief and heal#Dorian Havilliard#the part where he calls her friend THIS MAN he already decided and she did too long ago that she would not let the ignored prince be alone#Sorscha#why do I feel like Sorscha is a spy and the one Celaena sends letters too#Chaol Westfall#the part where he said go to ellywe like yes this man has made mistakes and doesn’t know what the heck his plans are but he gets points#Aedion#Aedion Ashryver#im going to bawl like a baby when they reunite cause their friendship & love hits different like when they said your Aedion#Manon Blackbeak#Abraxos#queen flying with the thirteen let’s go minus the fact I’m afraid Celaena will be her mark then add the Crochan incident & weve got danger#what the heck is a blood oath I don’t wanna know why is everyone’s freedom getting sold the world needs Aelin and here she is but first she#must face Celaena and Arobynn and I have a bad feeling that’s gonna become the worst moment but she will rise like a pheonix
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betrayal, desire, and guilt from that one ask game. For Bluebelle :3
HI HELLO THANK YOU FOR SENDING IN AN ASK!!!!!
I get to talk about my special girl hooray!!! (Guys I love ocs so so much never stop making up silly people in ur head)
Betrayal: okay so I’m going to bring out the Time Machine™️ and NOT talk about Bluebeard for once (shocker)
Bluebelle definitely felt betrayed the first time Victoria brought Misto with her, not in a ‘how dare you know other people 😡’ but more in a ‘someone knows I exist oh god oh fuck :{‘
It took her a little bit to calm down and get used to it, but Misto grew on her. He also helped desensitize her about meeting new people, which is why she didn’t freak out as much when she met Plato.
Desire: love, probably, and to feel safe, which is probably going to come out of her meeting more cats. Like I said before, she’s got Victoria, Misto, and Plato, but they’ve got a lot of jellicle things to do, and whole Jellicle family. That’s a lot of time for Bluebelle to be alone, and it eats away at her. A lot.
Final answer: family, familiarity and love :)
Guilt: BLUEBEARD TIME AGAIN!!!!! I’m obsessed I love you Bluebeard you’re a horrible awful man <3333
Bluebelle feels SO fucking guilty that she managed to get away with her life and her music box. She’s super in the mindset of ‘why did it have to be me’ sort of vibe, and she feels a lot of guilt about not trying to. Kill Bluebeard or something. He’s still out there, and she can’t do anything about it, and she got away, and the other queens didn’t. It EATS at her.
Bluebelle has Victoria and the others, but she doesn’t have anyone to talk to about what happened, because she’s afraid of what they’ll think, (even though Misto would like. 100% kill Bluebeard with lightning), so she doesn’t have any way to cope with the guilt at all. Most days she just tries to forget, and on her really bad days, she just freezes up.
#RAHHHHHH ANGST FOREVER#why did I do this#I listened to dance to forget while writing this and they popped off so hard with that song#love you fandom songs you’re so fun#I feel like I’m just talking and talking forever while everyone else is distracted with artfight ngl#I’m in the corner giggling and scribbling with crayons I’m having so much fun#a really yellow guy dhmis moment#anyhow TYYYYYYYYY IM HAVING FUN!!!!!!#cats the musical#cats musical#asks!!!!!!!#cats oc#jellicle oc#bluebelle cats
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The way that the sun hits leaves and clouds. I feel like I could watch the colors change forever. If I could slow down for that long.
#i keep forgetting a have a deck now. i can go outside and sit there#im doing that now. sitting in the corner of a deck full of empty chairs. staring up at a big pine tree where the sun is striking it gold#at the top. i like how thr light hits the needles. if the sky was black it would look like its on fire#theres a tree outside my bedroom window too. in the morning. after the sunrises it catches thr light and refelcts the most perfect shade#of green. the kind of green that flutters translucent like youre looking up from the bottom of a pool. the light the light its all about#the sun. everything everything is about the sun. when i start my project I'll be focused on understanding how organisms catch the light bc#its so incredible and complicated it would make my chest swell to bursting if there wasnt an empty bleeding wound in my gut. a#metaphorical wound of course. i dunno. its just difficult bc right now my mood is inflated by hormones. not even that much i think I'm#just at what shoulf be a normal level of happiness so i can be slow for a minute. but just a minute bc i kno it won't last long#sorry i cant shut the fuck up when im like this but i dunno i just feel like i havr to document these ephemeral moments before they're gone#its just difficult when you kno the world is so full of beautiful things but 95% of the time your eyes are too clouded to see it#everyone tells me i work too much but i feel like im just staring off into space being miserable 60% of the time. ive just done so much#damage over the past few years im coming into a new lab as damaged goods. ive got an albatross around my neck in thr form of data i#collected so self destructively that the idea of having anything to do with its publication makes me hate myself. everytime someone tells#me good job on collecting so so so much data it feels like they're congratulating me for breaking something within myself. like i slit my#wrists and bled out on a lab bench and theyre saying good job and theyre excited for me and i have to grin and bear it and pretend im#excited too. but im not bc ive burned everything inside me to ash. so when im elevated enough to be distracted by the clouds and trees it#feels like healing. like seeing angels. beautiful ephemeral beams of light. i wish i could slow down enough to watch them. but now thr sun#is hitting the horizon and the sky is going gradually dark and i should go inside. bc i have many things to do in the morning. so that's#what ill do. and ill try to get more thsn 6hrs of sleep but its hard when your body is vibrating over with energy#but at least i dont feel tired in the morning. something in my head must be on fire#unrelated#hm i should maybe add a tw to this#tw self injury#but its the kind thst makes u good at ur Job. its the kind ppl reward. so they don't understand when u say its destroying ur life#but im trying to get better. i say as i gear up for an insane semester lol but i do mean it
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